There are times in life where we crave. Where we ache to become, to change, to approach anew. When we quicken – it often comes alongside hunger…interest.
To change is not simply to be different. Let’s be honest – we want it. Real change is introduced by desire.
It does not come without challenge, though. The growth itself requires new clothes, as it were, if nothing else. Never can we step into a new life without a loss in the old one. Never is a new world born without the old world shifting.
So often, though, it creeps up on us. We don’t notice the change happening, and we don’t realize we aren’t who we were until we suddenly don’t recognize our reflection. Maybe it’s just a new mirror on the wall of our inner sanctum. Maybe it’s a demolition and rebuild.
Right now, I find that I myself am quickening. I find that I am nervous, but excited. I find the new adjustments intense and enticing. I find myself staring at this new reality, almost unable to breathe. It’s so new, and yet familiar. I’m tasting this thing on my tongue, feeling it slowly evolving and not quite here.
However, the difference is already palpable. Everything fits together the same. But there’s just – an extra piece.
A glance here, a realistic possibility there, all where there was nothing before. I find myself giggling, for no real reason. My husband and I flirt more freely, talk more readily. I really clock out when I’m not working, rest when I sleep, wake when I get out of bed. It’s like the quicksand that was swallowing my feet just suddenly fell away.
I’ve spent more time looking at these changes than I’ve spent looking at myself, my situation. And yet suddenly – I know that there’s a difference. I feel more…alive.
Adventures have led me far afield, and yet I’ve ended up right back here, where I belong. Desire led me away, and desire led me back.
And I’ve never felt so at home.
It’s terrifying, so you know. I’m not just wandering. And I’m not leaving, either. I’m right here, like I said. It’s like suddenly my life is a moving car.
I’m just…moving in, into me.
And it turns out that that is perfectly fabulous, after all.