My husband is the most amazing man I know. He and I have a relationship where we can just…make each other better. We work around each other, clean up after each other’s weaknesses. We revel in the good, and prop each other up through the bad.
He and I spiral around each other, in love, recognizing each other’s beauty. But I can tell you, most days we forget to see it.
Its not that we fight, although we do that, too. It’s that we just pass each other in the hall. We’re busy, we’re tired, we’re distracted. It’s that the way we show our love is to help each other do all of the amazing things that we want to accomplish. We set ourselves goals, separate from each other, and build each other the scaffold we need to get there. Whether it’s watching the kids, alternating chores, or making sure the budget works, we build each day together.
Today I was listening to this song “Earned It.” Suddenly, I could see it through his eyes. Most days I don’t look in the mirror and think, wow she’s amazing. But I could suddenly see all the things he sees in me. I could see everything he does…for me. Not just for our family, not just for our kids to be happy, not just to make the house beautiful, but explicitly to make me happy. Because…he thinks I’m worth it.
He loves me with everything in him. He thinks I’m perfect, yet most days I don’t know how to see it in his actions. It’s not that it’s not there, it’s that he…does the normal things, the normal way, making things work. He shares every part of life with me, so when it’s for me that he does things…it doesn’t seem different.
That’s the trick, though, right? If we spend each day doing things to make each other happy, they stop feeling special. They stop being visible, any more than we really “see” the couch in our living room after a month or so. We stop feeling like it’s special, and it just becomes normal.
Even making love, I forget that the touch of his skin is the same exquisite thing as when we first crossed that line together. Whether it’s something old or something new, part of me spends so much time picturing him seeing me that I forget to see the magic of us two together. More than that, I forget to see that he is in it for me. That his goal might be pleasure, but that it’s also yet another attempt at making me feel joy in his presence, to repay me for all the joy I have brought him.
Yes, we pretend that once we’re married we can’t talk about sex. If breaching that etiquette makes you uncomfortable as a reader, I apologize. But let’s be honest – the kind touch of a husband or wife shifts over the years. The way we interpret it, the way we are willing to feel it, even the way we allow ourselves to react – in some cases, it’s almost like we forget that this is our own personal playground, to be shared between us, free from shame or worry and riddled with giddy fun. We forget that we are fully encouraged to enjoy it, and to revel in the perfection that practice makes.
Likewise, when practice has made it the same sensations from day to day, we sometimes find ourselves unable to properly feel them. Even if it’s been months of busy-ness that has kept true intimacy from occurring, we walk into it feeling like, “Well…what do we do now?”
For one minute of my life, I got to feel not only his love for me, but his desire to bring me the pleasure he can. And while we might use words like “dirty,” “off-color,” or “crude” to describe such a scenario, it’s beautiful. Those words, I assure you, do not apply. We are sacred, when we let ourselves enjoy the mate that life has given us. And to realize the sheer depth of appreciation that goes into each moment, the drive to push our partner to the depths of bliss, as a remembrance of every perfect moment, every favor given, every gentle kiss or hurried rescue…it filled me with love and appreciation for all the “thank you’s” that had been hidden in plain sight the whole time.
Please – go kiss that person in your life, as soon as you can. Go remind them that they matter to you, and try to show them just how much. Remember – every day with your chosen mate is a gift, and a blessing. Every intimacy is sacred, and most of them are casual. But they are all desperately important. Moments might not be divine, but why are you really in it? What is a partnership with them, if it isn’t each of you for the other? And remember that in return – how much of every day are they honestly doing for you?
Let’s each say thank you, in the best way we can. Because they’re worth it.