Holy Cow – Happy FOGG

Oh my, what a semester.

I managed to get 6 A’s and 1 B in my final semester, with a P for passing as my eighth grade.  Yes, eight classes, 19 credit hours, and all this while making a budget work that would make most people weep.  THANK THE GODS for Safta, that wonderful woman – if not for her, there’s no way that we would’ve been able to squeeze our way through this last semester of Aaron and I finishing up our bachelors’ degrees at Purdue University.  I – we – somehow did it, while Aaron wasn’t working and I was in school oh-so-full-time, and volunteering at the kids’ school besides.  Then he got a job, then I got a job, and now suddenly – we’re fine!!  We’re just fine.

But the holidays come before the paychecks, cuz that’s fair.  But life ain’t always as easy as it looks (LOL) and this holiday season was no exception.  We always call it the “Great Festival of Gift Giving,” and abbreviating that makes it so that the Great FOGG descends at Thanksgiving and doesn’t lift till New Years.  Then just add our new arrival two years ago, and we have a birthday to celebrate each year on the 27th.  (And all our babies did that, not just Jasper – Chaya (pronounced Haya) is a Beltaine/Easter/Passover baby, and Leah shares her birthday season with Halloween, Samhain, and her daddy’s birthday, along with many of our friends.)  So then, of course, that’s when I graduate.  [Uproarious laughter ensues.]

But to return to the point, we had paychecks to more than cover our expenses for the next year that all start next month, properly.  Somehow, though, we’re doing it.  We had to get a loan to cover Hannukah shopping, but we pulled that off over Thanksgiving.  Then for Christmas, graduation, and Jasper’s birthday, we managed to cut our expenses beautifully, without stealing anything involved.  😉  We adjusted, caught sales, and had qualified for assistance when we hadn’t been relying on it, so suddenly we pulled off all that, plus a party for Chaya’s introduction to womanhood, for under $500.  Yes, Christmas, a graduation party, a birthday party, and a party for Chaya, all under $500!!

And yet I feel bad about the fact that Chaya’s party is the majority of that.  Never mind how that adds up, it’s true.  I’ve balanced and rebalanced the budget, and it all factors in correct and true.  And everything else is under $250, while hers is only slightly over.  Do I feel bad?  Or do I simply enjoy the fact that I’ve done everything so well that I don’t have to skimp on a thing, do this one thing JUST right, and still have my budget sitting pretty?

I feel like I’m revealing the mechanisms behind the magic act just by typing this up, but I’ve begun to recognize that I’ve got this B&^%$ in the back of my head who likes to scream loudly about whenever I do something fantastic.  I haven’t done enough, there might be one person who would disapprove, it might not please absolutely everyone – so it’s not good enough.  It’s exhausting!!  I just want to be able to know that I’ve done enough for everyone in my life, that I’ve done my best, and move on.

So here’s my therapy.  I type up a lovely blog, starting here and now, to let myself let off steam a nudge around all the impossible awesome my life has become.  I am an artist, an anthropologist, an art historian, a priestess, a teacher, a mommy, a wife, a friend, and a family member to literally hundreds. And I balance a mean budget and throw a helluva party.  I’m sure both Chaya’s gathering and Jasper’s second birthday, both next Saturday, will be awesome.  I just need to be nice to myself for doing what I’ve planned, and do it well.  Heck, we even have more than enough to get through the next paycheck!  And then we start having regular income, that’s FINALLY more than enough.  Can’t that just make it all okay?

Plus the tax return in February: fixing and/or replacing the car out of that, making house repairs, and maybe paying off more than one student loan in the next six months, while expanding my own art for an exhibition I haven’t scheduled yet…  And all I have to do besides is get my articles from school ready to publish and finish my research!  LOL – nothing major.

But as I discovered in school, just go one step at a time, make it work, and don’t look down.  You can go incredible places.  Or at least, I have, so far.  So…we’ll just keep going.  And enjoy the good every day brings without going too crazy worrying about the potential bad.

Yep, therapy helps.  Thank you, blog.  See you again soon!

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